Hockey Parent: Coach Relationships

Okay, so a fresh season got underway a few months back, with a whole  bunch of players reporting to their new teams and their new coaches.

Personally, I’ve always liked to see each of my new players — or my new team —  as a blank canvas on which to paint a new masterpiece (okay, so I think I’m a pretty dawgoned good teacher/coach).  In the case of older players, their canvases may already be painted upon, but I can at least hope that I might touch-up things where needed.

Hockey parents, on the other hand, are all new to me, whether they’ve  been around the game for years or not.  Going into the season they’re all great people, as far as I’m concerned (while a few of them are at  least innocent until proven guilty — LOL).

Joking aside, I have to state right now that players and parents are a package deal — at least at the youth hockey levels.  In other words, if a kid is a pain but the parents are nice, the coach is still going to have headaches.  And, of course, turning that around isn’t going to change the aggravation factor any — as in the kid being great but the parent/s driving the coach crazy.

I hope that makes sense to you, ’cause it’s a fact, like it or not.  Each hockey family IS a package deal.

Man,  do I have a story for you…  I’m aware of an awful relationship that existed between a long ago high school coach and a hockey family.   Actually, the story was famous within Southeastern Massachusetts hockey circles.  The coach was a legend.  Evidently the player was also really, really good, and this was on one of the better teams in the state.  The sad part is that the boy’s dad was an alcoholic, and he could get pretty loud and terribly abusive around the arenas.  So, as I understand it, the deal the coach had with the dad was that, anytime he knew the guy was in the rink, his boy sat.  Was it unfair to the kid?  Ya, I’d have to say so.  But, who caused the problem in the first place?  Frankly, I’d have a hard time hurting a kid just because his or her parent was a jerk.  Still, I’ve never quite been in that old coach’s shoes.  (Ugh…)

So again, let me establish that it’s hard to separate parents and their kids when a coach has a team load of players and grown-ups to deal  with.

The above story is of course a drastic example of what I’m getting at.  That story in mind, though, I have to suggest that there’s a far subtler danger hockey parents must consider for the sake of their kids.

And, on my way to explaining that, let me repeat:

that most kids and parents kick-off  their new season with something like a clean slate (I’m presuming that every single kid wants to learn, and that every parent is there to support their young player towards that end).  Ya, I’m assuming…

Okay, so what happens to make it all go wrong?

Well, I’m going to share something with hockey parents (and other coaches) that should ultimately make sense.  Furthermore, I’m going to suggest that it’s purely human nature that makes the following possible, or actually inevitable…

First,  picture that a parent (or two or three) appears to not follow the coach’s lead.  In one instance, maybe a parent outwardly rebels against the coach’s handling of his or her youngster.  In yet another case, appreciate that a coach can sometimes just sense that a parent isn’t supportive or on the same page.  In either type scenario, the coach will likely get the feeling that there’s going to be a problem down the road.

Why so — or why is the coach likely to keep that relationship in mind?

Is it not human nature for most of us to be wary of negative situations?  And, once he or she is burned, is it possible that leaves at least a slight scar?  You can almost bet on that; it’s only human nature.

Secondly — and here’s the most dangerous part of all this…  Although it may or may not be intentional, a coach just might start treating certain kids differently.

Ya, that’s the one I’m here to warn all youth hockey parents about.  For, you see, no human being is into pain — including your youngster’s ice hockey coach, either consciously or subconsciously.  The way this might manifest itself is that the coach might do some extras for most players, while there is the distinct possibility he or she is going to avoid extra interactions with the perceived “trouble family”.

Now, you might at first think a coach is being mean if the latter occurs.  But, I don’t think it’s always done intentionally,  No, again, I  have to suggest that it’s often subconscious.

Think about your own circumstances — whether at work, within your neighborhood, or among family or friends…  I’m sure you can immediately identify a handful of folks you’d go out of your way to help, while at the  same time, there’s probably that one person in each circumstance who always seems to bring-on problems, and you probably quite often do your best to avoid him or her.  Hey, you may have already been burned once — or you’ve seen them burn someone else, so why go out of your way to get torched again?

And that’s why I’m saying this parent:coach relationship thing is really a matter of human nature, and I’ll also suggest that it should make all the sense in the world to any rational adult.  Moreover, the way I’ve explained it, I hope hockey parents will also see how this same thing can occur away from the rinks — at school, and in a whole bunch of other group settings.

In closing, I’m not saying that parents and coaches shouldn’t communicate.  They absolutely should.  The frequency of those communications might be considered, however — as in how much extra attention you (or your youngster) really needs?  And, by all means, the tone of those communications ought to be seriously pondered.  Like it a not, a hockey coach is human, and he or she is going to ultimately steer clear of problems (as are future coaches when tryouts come around).

PS:   None of the above absolves a lousy hockey coach.  I deal with that subject, as you’ve probably discovered, in numerous other entries within this site.  That out of the way, the above is the best advice an old  and experienced hockey coach can offer parents, whether their youngster’s coach is good, bad or ugly.